Worst Dog Ever
I drew this picture of a dog the other day at dinner and this is the reaction that I got from my friend, the only other adult present out of four people: "That is the worst picture of a dog I have ever seen." The reaction was swift and definitive. There was no deliberation or hesitation at all.
I'm not sure that the picture deserved such a harsh critique, since it is, in fact, instantly recognizable as a dog. So at least, if nothing else, it is representational. It does convey the actual visual details that constitute the appearance of a dog. So even though it is not a particularly satisfying piece on an intellectual level, it does convey visual information. I agree that something a little less literal might have allowed me to express the more ethereal aspects of what it is that actually constitutes "dogness" in a more general sense, but I was actually going for something more documentary than that.
I think the worst picture of a dog ever would be a picture that conveys neither the representational details of the animal, nor a sense of the dynamic aspects of his being that make him who he is (or at least who he is to us.) So even though this piece fails to get at the more expansive emotive aspects of what a dog means, it is an acceptable stab at simply depicting a dog, and so I can easily conceive of a far worse picture of a dog than this.
Figure 1: Is this really the worst picture of a dog ever?
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Figure 2: I guess writing a story about a dog is something a little closer to my comfort zone than drawing.
Enlarge Photo Labels: animals, images, weird
The Perfect Pop 2
I'm still aggressively pursuing my dream of achieving the perfect pop, that is, the bag of microwave popcorn that yields 100% edible product with no wasted kernels. The search for the perfect pop has been long and much harder than I thought it would be. In this attempt, you can see by my analysis that I fell well short of my goal.
Figure 1: This bag yielded a satisfying volume of edible product. As you can see from this image, the substance that resulted from heating the bag in the microwave is both enticing and copious. Will this bag be the perfect pop? When I eat to the bottom of this, will I find that there are no unpopped kernels of popcorn left over?
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Figure 2: In this establishing shot you can see that there does remain a disappointingly large number of unpopped kernels.
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Figure 3: This is a view of the bag at high magnification. The brown ovoid masses that you see prominently represent unpopped kernels of popcorn. I realize that this image is a little bit too busy to be meaningful but I present it here so that you can see the raw data that I had to work with in my analysis.
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Figure 4: This image represents the same data presented above in Figure 3, but here it has been subject to graphical analysis which has revealed several key features which would otherwise have been lost to the naked eye. This analysis shows that there were 20 kernels of unpopped popcorn left over after I ate the edible yield. The unpopped kernels displayed in this analysis are marked with red circles. The analysis also reveals the presence of something else in this image, which I found startling. This careful analysis reveals that there was, in fact, edible popcorn substance remaining in this bag even after I had given the bag up for finished. If you study the output from this analysis, you can see the edible product marked by small green circles. Comparative optical quantitative techniques show that the largest of the uneaten edible fragments is nearly as large as an unpopped popcorn kernel. Finally, the graphical analysis that I undertook also reveals the presence of a substance far more sinister and disturbing than either of the two upon which I have previously commented. Marked with blue circles, even a person unaccustomed to the analysis of popcorn kernels can see that what we have here, are half-poppers. Half-poppers are the worst. What these are, are kernels that did pop, but didn't pop all the way. These are the kernels that start to look good to you when you get to the bottom of the bag, and your show is still on, and you don't feel like getting up for something else. These are the ones that you start to believe are edible, and they'll get you every time because they aren't. They'll hurt your teeth and they don't taste good, and I would much rather have kernels that just didn't pop at all than these half-poppers. I actually think we could demoralize Al Qaeda right out of existence if we all collected our half poppers, and then we invited the terrorists over for a movie, and maybe some beer or whatever, and then when we made popcorn we slipped our half-poppers into their bags without telling them. After that, they'd go back to their caves saying, "Man, that place is a dump. Why do we even bother? Their popcorn over there sucks."
Enlarge Photo Labels: food, images, weird
The Perfect Pop 1
I'm on a quest to achieve the perfect pop. The perfect pop is when you make a bag of microwave popcorn and two things happen: 1) there is not a single kernel of corn left un-popped and 2) the popcorn isn't scorched at all.
This attempt came pretty close. The popcorn wasn't burned, and as you can see from the detailed graphical analysis in Figure 2 below, there were only 4 kernels of corn left un-popped.
Figure 1: This was a decent bag of popcorn. Not a lot of kernels left and no burned corn.
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Figure 2: This is a graphical analysis of the extent to which kernels were left un-popped in this bag of popcorn.
Enlarge Photo Labels: food, images, weird
Ribbed Hair Tie
This is a strange hair tie. It has ribs on it.
Labels: Hair_Ties, images, weird
Shatner Eggs
Bent Hair Tie
This parking lot hair tie has a kink in it. I think the kink in it, and the way it is sitting on the pavement, makes it look sort of like the numbers 13,000.
Figure 2: I wonder if the kink in this hair tie is due to some damage or if it came like that. I also wonder if the kink is why it either fell out or was discarded.
Enlarge Photo Labels: Hair_Ties, images, weird
Mysterious Hair Tie
I saw another hair tie in a parking lot yesterday. This one was special because it was touching the white parking lot lines. As you can see from the photo, this hair tie also looks a lot like the number 13,000.
Labels: Hair_Ties, images, mysterious, weird
Willy Wonka
I watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Then I watched it again. Then I watched it again. Then I watched it again, an average of about five times every seven days. I made these two commemorative illustrations on my Magna-Doodle which I think look a lot like Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka. Which one do you think looks more like him? Please fill out my
contact form and let me know.
Figure 2: This is an illustration of Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka.
Enlarge Photo Labels: images, movies, weird
Hair Tie 3
I was walking into Starbucks today at
River and Campbell and I saw this hair tie in the parking lot. It looks like it has light-colored hair on it. I wonder how many hair ties there are in parking lots.
Figure 1: This is the hair tie pretty much how I saw it in the Starbucks parking lot.
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Figure 2: This is the hair tie almost completely desaturated.
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Figure 3: This is the hair tie as it looked with my cell phone camera, and also hyper-saturated.
Enlarge Photo Labels: Hair_Ties, images, weird
Broken Ranger
I was walking today and I found this man who I think was probably hit by a car. He's missing a hand and a foot. I'm going to go back maybe on Thursday to see if I can find the missing parts.
Figure 1: I found this broken Power Ranger type of guy today.
Enlarge Photo Labels: images, toys, weird
Shatner is Back
You know what it's time for. You know what went down this weekend with the rabbit and the eggs and whatnot. It's the best time of year, party people, because the Shatner eggs are back. And it's a good haul. That is all I have to say about that right now.
Figure 1: This decorative egg tribute to William Shatner was made using two different dyes and a Sharpie marker.
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Figure 2: Bill Shatner. If you don't know, you don't know.
Enlarge Photo Labels: images, Shatner, weird
Easter Rabbit
Most of the dead rabbits I see were dead when I first saw them. This one wasn't. This was just a little fellow and he seemed sick. He just kind of died over the course of a day.
Figure 1: This poor little guy died from something. He didn't seem hurt or anything, just sick.
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Figure 2: I wonder if maybe he got separated from his mom too early.
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Figure 3: I don't think this spot was on his neck when he was still alive.
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Figure 4: He developed this hole in his thorax over the course of about two weeks.
Enlarge Photo In an almost unprecedented move this evening I've included this after-photo text to issue a challenge. If you are the first person to correctly explain the caption on the enlarged image above this paragraph, then I will send you a T-shirt.
Labels: animals, dead things, images, weird
Another Tie
I got a note from someone who saw my hair tie picture. She said she had the same thing happen to her, except the one she kept seeing was at the Post Office.
While we're on the subject, here's a hair tie that I've seen every day for about the last ten months.
Figure 1: This is a hair tie that's seen some miles. I would say about maybe 15,000 miles.
Enlarge Photo Labels: Hair_Ties, images, weird
Hair Tie
This is a mystery. Or maybe a miracle. Twice a week, I go to the same parking lot. I've been going to this parking lot since January of 2007. The first day I went to the lot in January, there was a little hair tie on the ground in one of the parking spaces. I noticed it on my way in. Then, I noticed it was still there on the way out. Not too big of a deal, I was only there a few hours. But the next week it was still there, in the same parking spot. And the next week after that. And the next month after that. And it's still there as of last night, in the exact same spot. That's a long time to be in the same spot.
In other news, I can't remember what I did with the remains of the original dead rabbit. I am not sure what happened to them after I put them into my truck.
Labels: Hair_Ties, images, mysterious, weird
Dead Rabbit Season
It must be dead rabbit season again. It kind of gives me the willies. There have been two found this past week. One, the one indicated here, was only about fifteen feet from the original one. This one didn't last long, though. He was gone within a day. I wonder if something ate him.
For the first time in recorded history, the pictures of this dead rabbit are too disgusting to show. They actually did not meet the standards of the Disgusting Pictures Council so they are shown here in only limited form.
Figure 1: The actual picture was more disgusting than this.
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Figure 3: I wonder why this guy disappeared so fast.
Enlarge Photo Labels: dead things, images, weird
Barbie
Figure 1: This is a picture of Barbie. I took it a while ago with an old camera. Barbie is lit with a candle and I used a long exposure to get enough light.
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Figure 2: This is the same picture of Barbie, but different.
Enlarge Photo Labels: images, toys, weird
Gingerbread Man
Merry Christmas!
Figure 1: This gingerbread man has a sweater and a belt.
Enlarge Photo Labels: food, images, weird
Nokia 6800 R.I.P.
Gross-Up 3
Are you ready party people? Let's play Gross-Up, the game inspired by my brother.
Figure 1: What could this be? If you click where it says Enlarge Photo down below, you might just find out.
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Labels: images, weird
Leg Wound 3
With Congress out of session in August and everybody flung to the far corners of the country to drop in on the voters, there hasn't been much for me to blog about. But in the last week, things have definitely picked up. D.C. is back in action and so am I.
My leg wound still festers.
In a related story tonight, I found the scab off my leg wound -- the original scab. That's the second time I lost and found it.
I got asked if I needed help twice, and that annoyed me. I also prepared a photo essay on strollers. So there is a lot to look forward to in this new Fall season.
Figure 1: This thing seems to be taking forever to heal.
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Figure 3: The weeping bloody part perplexes me, since I don't remember injuring it again.
Enlarge Photo Labels: images, weird, wounds
Zucchini Bed
Is that a zucchini in your bed?
Labels: images, weird
Face Harvest
The rabbit deteriorated to the point that I was afraid in not too much longer, there would be no trace of him left at all. So I decided to harvest his head.
Figure 2: The skull bones are becoming more visible, although they have been crushed. I imagine somebody stepped on the rabbit head by accident.
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Figure 7: This is the rabbit head on the floor of my truck.
Enlarge Photo Labels: animals, dead things, images, weird
Black Bug
I saw a bug. It was big and black. It didn't move very quickly. Both the bug and I survived this encounter.
Labels: animals, images, weird
Leg Wound 2
The leg wound is healing. It still doesn't look pretty, but it's not much trouble. People are always asking me about it. It gets me a lot of sympathy. It hasn't really had any adverse effects on me though. It hasn't interfered with my social or occupational functioning.
I'm listening to Johnny Cash. I like his new song "
God's Gonna Cut You Down." It was on my ipod yesterday while I was running and by doubling the beat, I could exactly keep pace with it at 9 miles per hour. But not for long. So I guess the lyric "You can run on for a long time," while inspiring to hear when I'm running, isn't precisely true.
You can run on for a long time,
Run on for a long time,
Run on for a long time,
Sooner, or later, God'll cut you down.
Sooner, or later, God'll cut you down.
Go and tell that long tongue liar,
Go and tell that midnight rider,
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter,
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down.
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down.
Well my goodness gracious,
Let me tell you the news.
My head's been wet with the midnight dew.
I've been down on bended knee,
Talkin' to the man from Galiee.
He spoke to me in a voice so sweet,
I thought I heard the shuffle of angels' feet.
He called my name and my heart stood still,
When He said "John go do my will."
Go and tell that long tongue liar,
Go and tell that midnight rider,
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter,
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down.
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down.
You can run on for a long time,
Run on for a long time,
Run on for a long time,
Sooner, or later, God'll cut you down.
Sooner, or later, God'll cut you down.
You may throw your rock, hide your hand,
Workin' in the dark against your fellow man.
But as sure as God made black and white,
What's done in the dark,
Will be brought to the light.
You can run on for a long time,
Run on for a long time,
Run on for a long time,
Sooner, or later, God'll cut you down.
Sooner, or later, God'll cut you down.
Go and tell that long tongue liar,
Go and tell that midnight rider,
Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter,
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut you down,
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut you down,
Tell 'em that God's gonna cut you down.
I also think it's an impressive feat to come back from the grave and make an awesome record. I feel like not a lot of people are talking about how odd that is. I think Johnny Cash, Tupac, and Bob Marley should make a record together now. It would be like a "Back From the Dead" tour.
Labels: images, music, weird, wounds
Take You Home
The rabbit face is in a plastic bag on the floor of my truck. This is all I have to say about that.
Labels: animals, dead things, weird
Bird Problem
One morning I woke up in El Paso and stepped outside my front door and there was a dead bird right next to my foot. I had a terrible problem with birds nesting right above my front door and pooping all over the door step. I used to hose down their nest when I was sure there weren't any eggs or babies in it, and they'd rebuild with lightning speed. One summer, they got some kind of disease and the babies kept hatching and dying all summer. It was disgusting.
Labels: animals, dead things, images, weird
In the Future
About 20 years ago,
David Byrne made some predictions about the future. He recorded these predictions in the song "In the Future" on the album
Knee Play. I think about the song a lot, even though I probably only heard it a few times. I don't even remember how I know the song. My best guess is that Scott Souter gave it to me, but I don't remember.
IN THE FUTURE
In the future everyone will have the same haircut and the same clothes
In the future everyone will be very fat from the starchy diet
In the future everyone will be very thin from not having enough to eat
In the future it will be next to impossible to tell girls from boys, even in bed
In the future men will be 'super-masculine' and women will be 'ultra-feminine'
In the future atomic fusion will enable us to build a skyscraper with the energy obtained from a grain of salt
In the future through genetic surgery there will be a race of menial workers, studs, 'whores', TV personalities and politicians
In the future half of us will be 'mentally ill'
In the future there will be no religion or spiritualism of any sort
In the future the 'psychic arts' will be put to practical use
In the future we will not think that nature is beautiful
In the future the weather will always be the same (relative to the way it is now)
In the future no one will fight with anyone else because anyone can be anything he or she want to be
In the future there will be an atomic war that will reduce the survivors to savages
In the future water will be expensive
In the future all material items will be free
In the future everyone's house will be like a little fortress
In the future everyone will think about love all the time
In the future TV will be so good that the printed word will function as an artform only
In the future people with boring jobs will take pills to relieve boredom
In the future everyone but the wealthy will be very happy
In the future everyone but the wealthy will be very filthy
In the future everyone but the wealthy will be very wealthy
In the future communication/distribution systems will be so good that no one will live in cities
In the future farming will be managed through a nationwide computer hookup
In the future there will be mini-wars going on everywhere
In the future political and other decisions will be based completely on opinion polls
In the future only the very wealthy will be able to travel or move out of their houses
In the future individuals with soldier inclinations will go out for 'killer' sports
In the future there will be machines which will produce a religious experience in the user
In the future there will be a classless society, no one richer than anyone else
In the future people will constantly be having plastic surgery, altering their features many times during a lifetime
In the future there will be many mass suicides
In the future there will be groups of wild people, living in the wilderness, who will rob suburbanites
In the future there will be only paper money which will be personalized
In the future everyone will only get to go home once a year
In the future everyone will stay home all the time
In the future we will not have time for leisure activities
In the future we will only 'work' one day a week
In the future our bodies will be shrivelled up but healthy and our brains will be bigger
In the future there will be starving people everywhere
In the future no one will be able to afford TV or newspapers, resulting in no one knowing what's going on
In the future people will live in space
In the future only the very wealthy will have pets
In the future the poor will be regulated by the rich
In the future everyone's house will be a total entertainment centre, with video, pills, dancing, sex tools, holographic movies, and game machines
In the future everyone will have his or her own individual style of very way-out clothes
In the future we will all eat our favorite foods, only they will all be synthetic
In the future we will [attempt to copulate with] anything, anytime, anywhere
In the future there will be so much going on that no one will be able to keep track of it
Labels: weird
Solid Foods
Adventures in only eating liquid foods continue. I still feel fine, and baby isn't sick at all. It was a false alarm, as it turns out. But today is Day 2 of not eating anything that doesn't come through a straw.
Today I've eaten:
- 1 large chocolate milkshake from McDonald's
- 1 medium Dr Pepper from Wienerschnitzel. Not the best mix I've had.
- 1 32 oz blended coffee drink from AJ's
Those 32 oz blended drinks from AJ's are a little crazy. They've got to have 700 calories in them. They're good, but they make me a little queasy. It's like drinking a big bucket of cream.
I'm surprised at how well I feel not having eaten any solid foods for two days.
Labels: weird
Throw Up
Baby threw up this morning. He doesn't seem sick at all now, but it was a pretty big throw up. Last time Small Man got sick, I ended up in the hospital for three nights because I got really sick.
I decided I wasn't going to take any chances this time. I figured I wouldn't get sick if I didn't touch anything that went into my mouth until I knew the coast was clear. I decided that the easiest way to do that would be to not eat anything I had to prepare myself, and to only eat things that I could ingest through a sanitary straw.
So today I've eaten:
- 1 medium Dr Pepper from McDonald's
- 1 32 oz blended coffee drink from AJ's
- 1 tall iced decaf Americano from Starbucks
So far, so good. I'm not sick yet, and I feel surprisingly good for not eating any solid foods.
I think I'm going to try not eating solid foods tomorrow, too.
Labels: weird
Eyes Wide Open
Today I held my eyes open without blinking for 7 minutes 45 seconds.
It wasn't even hard to do. I kind of just got bored with it at the end, and I had to leave where I was soon anyway.
I wonder how long a person can keep his or eyes open without blinking. I wonder what the longest anyone's ever gone without blinking is.
Labels: weird